Since when has marriage become this dreadful, awful, disappointing act of two people not sure of each other's ability to be married? I understand we are all entitled to our opinions and feelings, but "Committed" takes the skeptic's side to an entirely new level. I loved Gilbert's novel, "Eat, Pray, Love," and I'm still a fan, but this book bothered me. Granted, there were places of laughter and nods of agreement, but after reading this I'm even more proud to still be in the honeymoon phase and happily married to my best friend, life partner, intimate soul mate and the man that makes me laugh every single day. I love you, K.
If you know me well enough, then you already know the unconventional way that K and I met and how we began our courtship nearly eight years ago. (Has it been that long already? Yes!) I agree with Gilbert, "How did you meet?" is one of the best conversation starters ever invented. Our story is pretty unique. I like to call it a good thing and a GOD thing. I married when I was 23 and K was 30. According to Gilbert, I am two to three times more likely to divorce because I married in my early twenties...at the time (she says) I was "irresponsible, less self-aware, more careless, and less economically stable." Well, Gilbert and I will have to agree to disagree on this statement. The stakes keep getting higher for K and I to have a successful marriage: though we are both college-educated and currently have no children, "people that live together before marriage have a slightly higher divorce rate than those who wait until marriage to cohabit." At least we have our faith, literally and figuratively. Couples who hold similar religious and spiritual beliefs have stronger marriages than those who do not. Well, thank the Good Lord for that fact.
Marriage, to me, is NOT supposed to be this difficult. I mean, seriously!!!! Who, and be honest, creates a list of their most deplorable faults and presents it to the person they are considering marrying? Who does this? Gilbert does. I am confused by this act, but Felipe comes through for me and dismisses her faults by accepting the person he loves and accepts all of her. I agree with Gilbert when she says, "There is hardly a more gracious gift that we can offer somebody than to accept them fully, to love them almost despite themselves." Amen, sister.
As for marriage and women, I look this chapter with the instinct and mentality bred into me by generations and generations of strong, loving, devoted women. They gave of themselves, completely and without reservation or expectation of anything in return. I don't know how to live any other way, it's the model I was shown every day of my life as a child not only from my own mother, but my grandmothers, aunts and other female figures in my life. I witnessed these ladies give all of themselves, wholeheartedly, to the greater cause. They selflessly gave up their own desires to see the joy in others. I'd like to think I'm getting better at doing this too. Besides, why would you NOT give of yourself to those that you love so dearly? I don't understand Gilbert's hesitation.
"Today the problem that has no name is how to juggle work, love, home and children." As I said, K and I do not have children but this quote puzzles me because I do not understand the complexity of the problem. My own mother worked outside of the home and juggled work, her own marriage, managed a home, and successfully raised a daughter that (I pray) she is proud of. Kudos to my father too. I think they both did an amazing job at raising me, supporting our family, and tending to the needs of their own intimate relationship. Sure, I know it required work, but I do not comprehend the juggle, or struggle, for women. When (if) I become a mother, I want to work. It's all I know. I give credit to my parents for working as hard as they did to provide for our family, because it gave me an appreciation for our blessings. Sure, I admit to enjoying the finer things in life, but I think I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude and acknowledgement of the work required to enjoy these luxuries. I believe there is a distinct difference between spoiled and appreciation. I like to think I appreciate the blessings I've been given; I don't expect them.
And before I leave this topic of children, I have a serious bone to pick with Gilbert. I do not believe, for one second, that children
make a marriage. Just saying and thinking this gives me chills. It saddens me, enrages me even, that couples believe the issues or problems they face within their relationship will be resolved by bringing a child into this world and demanding this new person to fix whatever is broken or disconnected. If the word "matrimony" is derived from the Latin word for "mother" then I believe the couple should take it upon themselves to nurture their relationship and focus on their marriage. Couples should consider their marriage to be a child that requires love, nurturing, attention, and commitment, because it does.
I would be lying if I said I did not want children. I do want children. (Actually, I'm thinking one will be enough but in any event, I will take what the Lord provides.) I knew when I met K that he would be an excellent father and it would be an honor and a privilege to become the mother of his child(ren). I think it is safe for me to say that K sees me in a similar light. I adore children and would love ours unconditionally and raise them to the best of my abilities. However, it would be cowardly of me to say that I selected K based on his "productive breeder" (to use Gilbert's words) status. Right or wrong, I do not believe a successful marriage is based on the ability, or inability, to have children. When I took my marriage vows with K, in front of our family and friends, and before God, I do not remember children being in the contract. Simply stated, again, I don't think children make a marriage.
I like Felipe and his easy-going attitude; and, my other favorite person in this book is Gilbert's sister, Catherine. When she says to Gilbert, "you make marriage sound like a colonoscopy" I literally laughed out loud and said HALLELUJAH! For someone that has written a book on her skepticism and fear of marriage, why do it? The earth is a big place; I'm sure a quiet, quaint, old and odd church exists elsewhere that could have become their home. If living in New Jersey required this much work, frustration, and confusion about marriage, don't live in America! Obviously I say that without personal experience of deportation because I am a U.S. citizen that married a U.S. citizen (actually, K is from Texas, and it's a country all its own).
Perhaps my biggest frustration with Gilbert is her declaration and unbridled self-love. She and I are obviously two different people with completely different personalities and experiences. My acts of love towards my husband, I like to think, are selfless. I would do anything to ensure K's happiness and pleasure and contentment. I am not a submissive, walk-all-over-me spouse, but I thoroughly enjoy making my husband happy and pleasing him in every possible way. And, luckily, it's very easy for me. K is very simple to love. For instance, I am often asked why I sit at a dusty roping pen for hours upon end watching K practice or compete. "Don't you feel miserable? Aren't you uncomfortable? Don't you feel like you're missing out on something you'd rather be doing?" Simply put: NO! I enjoy sitting at these places watching my husband do what he enjoys. I love our life. I am blessed to have an amazing husband and a very easy marriage.
